Everyday conversation

Lessons

1. 1Starting a conversationLesson M15-L1 · about 6 minutesOpen with a remark about the shared situation and read whether the other person takes it up.
2. 2Small talk has a jobLesson M15-L2 · about 6 minutesUse small talk to find common ground and to gauge willingness to talk, not as filler.
3. 3Listening that showsLesson M15-L3 · about 7 minutesShow you heard by following up on what was actually said before adding your own point.
4. 4Taking turns, and pausesLesson M15-L4 · about 7 minutesKeep the talk roughly balanced and let a neutral pause stand instead of repairing it.
5. 5Telling a short storyLesson M15-L5 · about 7 minutesTell a one-minute story with a point, one detail and a place to stop.
6. 6Humor that includesLesson M15-L6 · about 6 minutesUse humor that invites the other person in, and drop it when it is not shared.

Video summary

All videos

Exercises that go with these lessons

• Cue observation, Articulation · follows lesson M15-L1Starting a conversation: five moments5 items, about 9 minutes
• Cue observation, What changed, Articulation · follows lesson M15-L2Small talk has a job: five moments5 items, about 9 minutes
• Articulation · follows lesson M15-L3Listening that shows: five moments12 items, about 13 minutes
• Cue observation, Articulation · follows lesson M15-L4Taking turns, and pauses: five moments5 items, about 7 minutes
• Articulation, Cue observation, Evidence check · follows lesson M15-L5Telling a short story: four moments4 items, about 5 minutes
• Articulation, Return signal · follows lesson M15-L6Humor that includes: five moments5 items, about 7 minutes

Go further

Talks, videos and pages by the people whose ideas these lessons discuss, matched to the topics the lessons cite. They are outside this site, and nothing from them loads until you follow a link. A link is not an endorsement; read the note under each one.

• Vanessa Van Edwards: 10 Quirky Questions to Ask On Your Next Date

  Video · leaves this site for youtube.com

  Example open-ended, curiosity-led questions to ask on a date, relevant to responsiveness and to restarting a conversation that has stalled.

  Keep in mind. Light entertainment format; questions are prompts, not a technique that guarantees liking.

• Marni Kinrys: "You Think You're Pretty Smooth, Don't You?" She's Flirting. Not Being Mean.

  Video · leaves this site for youtube.com

  Kinrys's short presents playful teasing and mock challenge as a sign of attraction and advises playing back rather than withdrawing. Relevant to engaged versus merely polite behaviour.

  Keep in mind. Anecdotal; teasing can be friendly, polite or unkind, and is not by itself a sign of romantic interest. Check for reciprocity over several turns.

• Bobby Rio: 5 "Nice Guy" Conversation Mistakes to AVOID

  Video · leaves this site for youtube.com

  Bobby Rio on conversation habits that undermine engagement, per the title; relevant to engaged versus merely polite behaviour and to conversational re-engagement.

  Keep in mind. Commercial dating coach; 'nice guy' framing is contested and the channel also carries manipulation-style content the app must not teach.

• Jeffrey Hall (University of Kansas): Research defines more behaviors that reveal romantic attraction

  Web page · leaves this site for news.ku.edu

  University summary of Hall's study of 51 stranger pairs coding verbal and nonverbal flirting behaviours (leaning forward, nodding, compliments, questions) by self-reported flirting style.

  Keep in mind. News release summarising self-reported behaviours; effect sizes and sample details are in the paper.