Learn · Unit 1: Notice
Attraction without mythology
Separate attraction from attention, anxiety and preoccupation; show what research does and doesn't support; teach the five evidence labels.
Start here
Lessons
- Attraction, attention and anxiety are different thingsDistinguish attraction from attention, curiosity, uncertainty, rumination and anxiety, and explain why being preoccupied with someone is not evidence of mutual interest.
- What tends to predict liking in first meetingsName the factors that on average predict liking in first meetings, and say why they predict poorly for one particular person.
- Your ideal-partner list versus who you click withExplain why stated preferences, yours and other people's, predict poorly whom someone is drawn to after meeting.
- How to read an evidence labelAssign the right label to a claim and say what each label lets you conclude.
- Popular claims, checked: posture, mirroring and the cycleSay what the evidence shows about power posing, mirroring and the ovulatory cycle.
- Whose research is this?Recognize that most findings come from Western, mostly student, mostly heterosexual samples, and state findings with that limit.
- Popular claims, checked: voices and humorSay what the evidence shows about deep voices and "funny means smart".
Video summaries
Attraction without mythology (part 1 of 2)
Attraction without mythology (part 2 of 2)
Exercises that go with these lessons
- Evidence check: what your own mind can and cannot tell you
- Evidence check: what predicts liking, and what it cannot predict
- Evidence check: stated preferences and real attraction
- Evidence check: five labels
- Evidence check: five popular claims
- Evidence check: who was studied
- Evidence check: voices and humor
Go further
Talks, videos and pages by the people whose ideas these lessons discuss, matched to the topics the lessons cite. They are outside this site, and nothing from them loads until you follow a link. A link is not an endorsement; read the note under each one.
Vanessa Van Edwards: You are contagious | Vanessa Van Edwards | TEDxLondon
Shows how hand visibility, openness and expressive gesture change how a speaker is perceived, demonstrated on stage; a model of open versus closed presentation.
Keep in mind. Lab findings are partly from the creator's own non-peer-reviewed studies; perception of a speaker is not romantic interest.
Marni Kinrys: "You Think You're Pretty Smooth, Don't You?" She's Flirting. Not Being Mean.
Kinrys's short presents playful teasing and mock challenge as a sign of attraction and advises playing back rather than withdrawing. Relevant to engaged versus merely polite behaviour.
Keep in mind. Anecdotal; teasing can be friendly, polite or unkind, and is not by itself a sign of romantic interest. Check for reciprocity over several turns.
Marni Kinrys: She Keeps Ending Up Near You. That's Not a Coincidence.
Kinrys's short presents a woman repeatedly positioning herself nearby as a signal that she is inviting an approach. Relevant to proximity changes, as a claim to test against context.
Keep in mind. Anecdotal and stated with more certainty than the evidence allows; proximity is often incidental (shared space, crowded venue). An approach invites a response; it does not presume one.
Jean Smith: The Science of Flirting: Being a H.O.T. A.P.E. | Jean Smith | TEDxLSHTM
Smith's H.O.T. A.P.E. model of flirting signs (humour, open body language, touch, attention, proximity, eye contact), from her interviews in four cities, presented as teachable cues.
Keep in mind. Popular framework from observational interviews, not a validated model; touch is presented as a signal, never as permission.
Vanessa Van Edwards: Why Women Never Make The First Move!
Van Edwards on who tends to initiate in courtship and the small opening signals that precede an approach; read the video before linking to confirm the claims shown.
Keep in mind. Popular-science framing; check any quoted statistic against the primary study before the app repeats it.