Humor that includes
Lesson 6 of 6 in this module · about 6 minutes · Communication
The idea
Humor that includes is about the situation or yourself, leaves room for the other person to join in, and is dropped the moment it is not shared. A joke about the situation is about something you both can see, such as a stalled queue or a rained-off picnic. A joke about yourself is about your own slip, and it is yours to make. Either one gives the other person a way in: she can add a line, laugh, or let it go.
In first conversations between strangers, shared humor and laughter go with more liking and closeness 1. The studies are of brief lab interactions. Some are correlational and some manipulate a humor task, and the closeness experiment used same-sex pairs. They cannot say that humor caused liking 1. This lesson does not teach humor as a way to be liked, or “make her laugh” as a goal. Laughter is something that happens when a joke is shared, and it is not something to produce.
Teasing is a different thing. It is a playful provocation that can land as affection or as hostility, and in studies of romantic couples the more satisfied partners teased in more prosocial, face-saving ways 2. Those samples were fraternity members and established couples. Whether the same holds when two people have only just met was not tested 2. The teasing studies in this evidence set cover fraternity members and couples, plus a conceptual review, so they do not show that teasing someone you have just met builds anything 3. That is a statement about the scope of the sources, and absence of evidence is not evidence of harm or benefit 3.
So the course keeps to the safer side. A joke about the other person, her taste, her choices or her looks, is a put-down even when it is meant kindly, and it is not used here. A joke about a third person in the room is not used either: it asks the listener to side against someone who may hear. And a joke is dropped the moment it is not shared. If she does not laugh and changes the subject, follow her.
Why it matters
A joke about the other person leaves her two options, take it or object. A joke that keeps going after it stops landing asks her to keep reacting. Teasing is a playful provocation that can land as affection or as hostility 2. A joke about the situation or yourself leaves the other person room to join in, and it is easy to drop.
What it looks like
Example
At a rained-off picnic, Catalina, 39, holds a damp sandwich under a tree. You say, “On the bright side, lunch is now soup.” She laughs and adds, “And the crisps have gone to sea.” You say one more line, then ask who brought the umbrella.
The same moment, handled the other way
Counterexample
Same tree. Looking at the sandwich Catalina brought, you say, “Did you pack that in a puddle on purpose? Classic you.” She smiles stiffly and looks away.
A joke about the other person leaves her nothing to join in, and she can only take it or object.
The one thing to remember
The rule
Joke about the situation or yourself, never about the other person, and drop it if it isn’t shared.
Dropping it is quick and kind: a “Fair, bad joke” or a change of subject. Do not explain a joke, repeat it, or tell her it was only a joke. If she says she does not find it funny, that settles it for that joke.
Try it now
Item 1 of this lesson’s set: The stalled printer. Look at who each joke is about.
In the real world (optional)
If you like, notice once who or what your next joke is about: the situation, yourself, or another person.
What this doesn’t tell you
The studies behind this lesson are brief lab conversations, fraternity members and established couples. They do not show that any joke works, or that humor makes anyone like you or want to meet you again. They also do not say what is funny to any one person, which only she can tell you.
Why do we believe this?
Each numbered mark in the text opens the evidence behind that sentence. Every claim in this course carries one of five labels.
- Well supported
- A meta-analysis or several independent studies agree, with no serious failure to replicate.
- Supported with caveats
- Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings.
- Plausible
- One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question.
- Speculative
- An idea or argument that hasn't been directly tested.
- Marketing claim
- Something a seller says about their product, without published evidence.
Evidence: Supported with caveatsIn first conversations between strangers, shared humor and laughter go with more liking and closeness, and in one dating-interest study both a man's humor and a woman's responsive laughter went with her interest.
Why this label
Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings. Experiments with strangers show that humor and shared humorous experiences are associated with liking and closeness. In opposite-sex stranger pairs, mutual laughter and the woman's dating interest were associated, and responsiveness mattered as well as joke-telling.
What it does not show
- Mixed designs: some correlational, some manipulated humor tasks; the closeness experiment used same-sex pairs.
- Brief lab interactions (10-12 minutes in the dating-interest study); participant demographics not checked in full text.
- Dating-interest result is one study (102 dyads) and cannot say humor caused interest.
Who it applies to
A pattern across groups of people, not a statement about any one person.
Sources
- Treger, S., Sprecher, S., Erber, R. (2013). Laughing and liking: Exploring the interpersonal effects of humor use in initial social interactions, European Journal of Social Psychology 43(6), 532-543.
- Fraley, B., Aron, A. (2004). The effect of a shared humorous experience on closeness in initial encounters, Personal Relationships 11(1), 61-78.
- Hall, J. A. (2015). Sexual Selection and Humor in Courtship: A Case for Warmth and Extroversion, Evolutionary Psychology 13(3).
Evidence: Supported with caveatsTeasing is a playful provocation that can land as affection or hostility, and in studies of romantic couples the more satisfied partners teased in more prosocial, face-saving ways.
Why this label
Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings. A conceptual review defines teasing as playful provocation that can lead to hostile or affiliative outcomes. A study of fraternity members and couples found satisfied partners used less face-threatening teasing with more softening gestures.
What it does not show
- Samples are fraternity members and established couples; cultural spread not checked.
- Whether the same holds on early dates is not tested in these sources.
- Review notes teasing can be more frequent and hostile from high-status and familiar others; gender differences are smaller than assumed.
Who it applies to
Depends on the setting and the people involved.
Sources
- Keltner, D., Capps, L., Kring, A. M., Young, R. C., Heerey, E. A. (2001). Just teasing: A conceptual analysis and empirical review, Psychological Bulletin 127(2), 229-248.
- Keltner, D., Young, R. C., Heerey, E. A., Oemig, C., Monarch, N. D. (1998). Teasing in hierarchical and intimate relations, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 75(5), 1231-1247.
Evidence: PlausibleThe teasing studies in this evidence set cover fraternity members and romantic couples, plus a conceptual review, so they do not show that teasing someone you have just met builds attraction.
Why this label
One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question. The cited work examines status, familiarity and relationship satisfaction in existing relationships. Applying it to early dating is an extrapolation, and a lesson should present playful teasing as something to check with the other person's response, not as an attraction technique.
What it does not show
- Statement about the scope of the cited sources, not a survey of all teasing research.
- Early-stage teasing may have been studied elsewhere; not searched exhaustively.
- Absence of evidence in these sources is not evidence of harm or benefit.
Who it applies to
Depends on the setting and the people involved.
Sources
- Keltner, D., Young, R. C., Heerey, E. A., Oemig, C., Monarch, N. D. (1998). Teasing in hierarchical and intimate relations, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 75(5), 1231-1247.
- Keltner, D., Capps, L., Kring, A. M., Young, R. C., Heerey, E. A. (2001). Just teasing: A conceptual analysis and empirical review, Psychological Bulletin 127(2), 229-248.
More practice
The rest of the set, Humor that includes: five moments: 5 items, about 7 minutes. Choose or order the ways of saying a line that fit what you mean. Open the exercise set.
Go further
Outside talks, videos and pages on the topics this lesson cites. Nothing from them loads until you follow a link, and a link is not an endorsement: read the note under each one.
Marni Kinrys: "You Think You're Pretty Smooth, Don't You?" She's Flirting. Not Being Mean.
Kinrys's short presents playful teasing and mock challenge as a sign of attraction and advises playing back rather than withdrawing. Relevant to engaged versus merely polite behaviour.
Keep in mind. Anecdotal; teasing can be friendly, polite or unkind, and is not by itself a sign of romantic interest. Check for reciprocity over several turns.