Style on dials, not types
Lesson 1 of 2 in this module · about 7 minutes · Communication
The idea
Describe your communication style on nine dials, each with a range, set by what you recently did, instead of choosing one type. In one survey of about 5,000 adults, people described five different styles of showing romantic interest: traditional, physical, sincere, playful and polite 1. Flirting, in other words, does not look the same for everyone 1. The styles are self-reported tendencies. The study does not show how observers read each style, and its inventory was later revised by the same group 1. We label it Plausible for those reasons.
A second finding gives a reason for caution about types in general. Attachment orientation is how a person tends to approach closeness with others. Studies that followed adults over weeks find that it has a fairly stable core but also shifts from day to day and week to week, so it is not a fixed type 2. This is a finding about attachment, not about communication style, and it comes from two samples from one research group, mostly students and young adults 2. We borrow only the caution. The judgment that follows is the course’s: a single label is a coarse tool for describing a person.
The nine dials are a design of this course, not a validated measure. No study here tests them. They are a vocabulary for describing yourself in plain terms. Each runs between two ends, and neither end is better.
| Dial | Ends |
|---|---|
| Directness | Subtle to direct |
| Humor | Serious to playful |
| Teasing | Gentle to provocative |
| Warmth | Reserved to expressive |
| Disclosure | Private to open |
| Verbosity | Concise to conversational |
| Romantic signaling | Subtle to explicit |
| Leadership | Collaborative to decisive |
| Emotional expression | Restrained to demonstrative |
Do not choose from how you wish you were. Think of two or three recent conversations and look at what you did. Use a range, and use the middle: “somewhere between concise and conversational” is a real answer. Check more than one setting, since your dials with old friends, at work and with someone you like may differ, and note which dial moves most when you are nervous or attracted. A friend’s view of your humor or directness can differ from yours; it is information, not the final word.
This is practice guidance, not a research finding: her way of communicating may differ from yours. When her style differs from yours, such as hinting where you would say it plainly, or joking where you would stay serious, that tells you about style and nothing about what she feels. Ask her, or leave your read at “Insufficient information”.
Why it matters
One label hides how your way of speaking changes with the setting. Dials describe what you do, so a suggested line can be adjusted to sound like you, and no setting is ranked above another.
What it looks like
Example
Your colleague Imani, 33, says you are “so quiet, I barely know you.” Your climbing partner Joaquín, 29, says you are “the funniest person I know.” In meetings you say little; on the wall you joke a lot. You do not pick one comment. You place your humor dial between serious and playful, and note that it moves with the setting.
The same moment, handled the other way
Counterexample
Same two comments. You decide the first comment is the accurate one and set the second aside.
Suggested lines are then adjusted to fit one setting, and they sound wrong in the other.
The one thing to remember
The rule
Place yourself on each dial by what you actually did lately, using a range, never a single type.
No setting is better than another, and the calibration rules are the same at every setting. A subtle signaler still stops and reads her return signal, an explicit signaler still accepts a no at once, and a decisive person still checks that a plan suits her. The profile is not a score or a type: it has no total and no grade, and its only job is to adapt suggested lines.
Try it now
Item 4 of this lesson’s set: What the profile is, and isn’t. It checks what the profile is and is not.
In the real world (optional)
If you like, pick one dial and think of a recent conversation. Say to yourself what you did there, and place the dial by that, not by how you wish you were.
What this doesn’t tell you
The nine dials are not validated. The survey above linked some styles to more dating success, but correlations cannot show that a style causes success, and its five styles are not our nine dials 1. The profile says nothing about what she likes, and reading her stays a separate task.
Why do we believe this?
Each numbered mark in the text opens the evidence behind that sentence. Every claim in this course carries one of five labels.
- Well supported
- A meta-analysis or several independent studies agree, with no serious failure to replicate.
- Supported with caveats
- Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings.
- Plausible
- One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question.
- Speculative
- An idea or argument that hasn't been directly tested.
- Marketing claim
- Something a seller says about their product, without published evidence.
Evidence: PlausiblePeople report different styles of showing romantic interest, such as traditional, physical, sincere, playful and polite, so flirting does not look the same for everyone.
Why this label
One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question. Hall and colleagues' survey of about 5,000 adults supported five self-reported styles. The physical, sincere and playful styles went with more dating success; women scored higher on all styles except playful.
What it does not show
- Self-report survey of a large adult sample; country not checked
- The inventory was later revised by the same group
- Correlations with dating success cannot show that a style causes success
- Style labels describe tendencies, not what any individual's behaviour means
- Styles are self-reported; the study does not show how observers read each style.
Who it applies to
A pattern across groups of people, not a statement about any one person.
Source
- Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual Differences in the Communication of Romantic Interest: Development of the Flirting Styles Inventory, Communication Quarterly.
Evidence: Supported with caveatsAdult attachment orientation has a fairly stable core but also shifts from day to day and week to week, so it is not a fixed type.
Why this label
Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings. Two intensive longitudinal samples fit a model with a stable underlying factor plus temporary variation, and that stability was not just personality traits.
What it does not show
- Two samples from one research group, mostly students and young adults.
- Self-reported attachment.
- Cannot say how much a style changes over years.
Who it applies to
A pattern across groups of people, not a statement about any one person.
Source
- Fraley, R. C., Vicary, A. M., Brumbaugh, C. C., Roisman, G. I. (2011). Patterns of stability in adult attachment: An empirical test of two models of continuity and change, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
More practice
The rest of the set, Communication profile: place your dials: 1 item, about 1 minute. Place your own style on each dial. Nothing here is scored, and the middle is a real answer. Open the exercise set.
Go further
Outside talks, videos and pages on the topics this lesson cites. Nothing from them loads until you follow a link, and a link is not an endorsement: read the note under each one.
Vanessa Van Edwards: Why Women Never Make The First Move!
Van Edwards on who tends to initiate in courtship and the small opening signals that precede an approach; read the video before linking to confirm the claims shown.
Keep in mind. Popular-science framing; check any quoted statistic against the primary study before the app repeats it.
Vanessa Van Edwards: The 5 Flirting Styles: Which One Do You Speak?
Summary of the five flirting styles from Jeffrey Hall's research (physical, traditional, sincere, polite, playful) and how style mismatch can cause missed or misread signals.
Keep in mind. Secondary summary of academic work; the app should cite Hall's research directly.
Jeffrey Hall (University of Kansas): New book outlines five types of flirting styles
University summary of Hall's research identifying five flirting styles, useful for showing that people signal interest differently and that styles can mismatch.
Keep in mind. News release; cite the underlying Communication Quarterly study for claims.