People are often liked more than they think
Lesson 4 of 4 in this module · about 6 minutes · Communication
The idea
After a first conversation, people tend to underestimate how much their partner liked them 1. Researchers call this the liking gap. It appeared among strangers in a lab, first-year students sharing a dorm and members of the public at a workshop. It held across conversation lengths, and it lasted for months among new dorm mates 1. In related studies, people also expected their partners to care less about their disclosures than the partners did 2. So worry about how a conversation went is often overstated 2. Feeling that you were liked less than you were is common, and on its own it is not a sign that the conversation went badly 1.
Three limits keep this honest. First, the studies measured how much people liked each other as people. They say nothing about romantic interest, so a partner who liked you more than you thought may have liked you as a pleasant stranger and nothing more 2 1. Second, it is an average, a tendency in groups. It does not show that a particular partner liked you, or that this conversation went well 1. Third, the samples were mainly lab strangers, US students and workshop attendees, not dating contexts. The findings come mostly from one research program, and we did not check for independent replication 1 2.
Why it matters
Worry about how a conversation went is often overstated 2. The finding is an average about general liking. It is not a read of one person or of romantic interest, and it does not cancel what she actually did.
What it looks like
Example
On the way home from a friend’s launch party, you keep returning to your clumsy remark about the wine and the short silence after it. You list what Rafaela, 34, did: she stayed half an hour, laughed at your next joke and asked you a question. Nothing on that list supports “it went badly.” It does not show she wants to see you again either, so that read stays Insufficient information.
The same moment, handled the other way
Counterexample
Same evening. From the silence alone you decide that she found you awkward and the whole conversation went badly. You never list what she did afterward. The worry has stood in for the evidence.
The one thing to remember
The rule
Judge a conversation by what happened: list what she did, what you did and what you worry about.
This is a habit this course recommends, not a research finding. Keep the first list to what you saw or heard, and count a worry only if something in that list matches it. If the list shows a flat conversation, believe that: the gap is an average and does not cancel what she did.
Try it now
Item 1 of this lesson’s set: Assign the label.
In the real world (optional)
If you like, pick a conversation scene from a film or series. For one character, list what the other person did, what the character did and what the character worried about. Keep it to the scene. Keep no notes about anyone you know.
What this doesn’t tell you
The review does not tell you what Rafaela feels about you or whether she would like to see you again, which stays Insufficient information. If you want to know more, saying you enjoyed talking lets her answer for herself.
Why do we believe this?
Each numbered mark in the text opens the evidence behind that sentence. Every claim in this course carries one of five labels.
- Well supported
- A meta-analysis or several independent studies agree, with no serious failure to replicate.
- Supported with caveats
- Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings.
- Plausible
- One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question.
- Speculative
- An idea or argument that hasn't been directly tested.
- Marketing claim
- Something a seller says about their product, without published evidence.
Evidence: Supported with caveatsAfter a first conversation, people tend to underestimate how much their partner liked them.
Why this label
Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings. The 'liking gap' appeared in several settings: strangers in a lab, first-year dorm mates, and members of the public at a workshop. It lasted across conversation lengths and for months in new dorm relationships. Being liked more than you think is a common situation, not a sign of rejection.
What it does not show
- Samples were lab strangers, college students and workshop attendees, not dating contexts; it measures general liking, not romantic interest.
- Reported mainly from one research programme; independent replication was not checked here.
- A population-level tendency: it does not mean a particular partner is secretly interested.
Who it applies to
A pattern across groups of people, not a statement about any one person.
Source
- Boothby, E. J., Cooney, G., Sandstrom, G. M., Clark, M. S. (2018). The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?, Psychological Science.
Evidence: Supported with caveatsAfter a conversation, people tend to be liked more than they think, which means worry about how a conversation went is often overstated.
Why this label
Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings. The liking gap appeared in lab strangers, student dorm mates and workshop attendees, and persisted for months among dorm mates. Participants also expected partners to care less about their disclosures than partners did.
What it does not show
- Samples were mainly US students and workshop attendees.
- Measures were self-reported liking; says nothing about romantic interest.
- Shows a miscalibration on average, not that any particular person was liked.
Who it applies to
A pattern across groups of people, not a statement about any one person.
Sources
- Boothby, E. J., Cooney, G., Sandstrom, G. M., Clark, M. S. (2018). The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?, Psychological Science.
- Kardas, M., Kumar, A., Epley, N. (2022). Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
More practice
The rest of the set, People are often liked more than they think: three checks: 3 items, about 5 minutes. Decide what the evidence supports, and how well. Open the exercise set.
Go further
Outside talks, videos and pages on the topics this lesson cites. Nothing from them loads until you follow a link, and a link is not an endorsement: read the note under each one.
Vanessa Van Edwards: 10 Quirky Questions to Ask On Your Next Date
Example open-ended, curiosity-led questions to ask on a date, relevant to responsiveness and to restarting a conversation that has stalled.
Keep in mind. Light entertainment format; questions are prompts, not a technique that guarantees liking.