From interview to conversation
Lesson 2 of 4 in this module · about 7 minutes · Communication
The idea
A run of questions becomes a conversation when each question follows from her last answer and you share a little between questions. An interview has a shape you can see: question, answer, question, answer. Each question starts a new topic, she tells you things and you tell her nothing, and her answers get shorter. None of this tells you what she thinks of you. It tells you the exchange is lopsided, and you can change that.
Asking questions has support. In three studies of live get-to-know-you conversations, people who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions that build on what was just said, tended to be better liked, and people did not expect this 1. When people were told to ask more, they came across as more responsive, and that explained the liking 1. The conversations were among strangers online or in a lab, often with US samples, and questions people were told to ask are not the same as natural ones 1. In studies of dating couples in a lab and of strangers, asking follow-up questions made a listener seem more responsive, as rated by the conversation partners themselves 2.
The important word is follow-up: a question that builds on what she just said shows you heard it. Whether asking more questions leads to second-date offers in speed dating is disputed. One reanalysis found that for men, question-asking related inversely to second-date offers, and the original authors dispute it 3. So the research is about being liked in a conversation, not about what she will decide.
Sharing belongs between questions. One study of 12-minute get-acquainted conversations between undergraduates reports that pairs liked each other more when disclosure alternated than when one person disclosed and the other only listened 4. We have only a summary of it, and it is about disclosure, not interviews, so it is a reason to try sharing, not proof that interviews fail 4.
Why it matters
In studies of conversations among strangers, people who asked more questions, especially follow-ups, tended to be better liked 1. Questions that each start a new topic leave nothing to build on, and nothing here says questions win dates.
What it looks like
Example
At a bookbinding workshop, Thandi, 32, answers your fifth question in two words. You stop interviewing. She mentioned nights, so you say, “Nights. How do you get through a workshop that starts at ten?” She says, “Badly. Two coffees and stubbornness.” You add, “I did a month of night shifts in a warehouse once. I stopped knowing what day it was.” Then you pause.
The same moment, handled the other way
Counterexample
Same workshop. You ask whether she has siblings, then what she does on weekends. Each question starts a new topic and you tell her nothing, so her answers shrink to one word. You ask a sixth.
The questions give her only the next question to answer, and nothing to build on.
The one thing to remember
The rule
Follow up on one detail of her answer, share a little between questions, and leave a pause.
If she asks you something, answer briefly and hand it back. If she keeps answering in one word, lower the intensity and let the conversation end: more questions are not a way past short answers. Short answers at a workshop can also mean she wants to concentrate on the work, and either way you give her room.
Try it now
Item 1 of this lesson’s set: “Four questions in a row”.
In the real world (optional)
If you like, in a conversation you were having anyway, notice whether each question you ask follows from the last answer or starts a new topic. Leave it at noticing.
What this doesn’t tell you
The questions research comes mostly from strangers talking in a lab or online, and it measures liking, not romantic interest 1. The speed-dating strand is disputed 3. The evidence for alternating disclosure is one study known from a summary 4. None of it says how many questions or shares are right, and the moves give her more to answer but do not decide whether she wants to.
Why do we believe this?
Each numbered mark in the text opens the evidence behind that sentence. Every claim in this course carries one of five labels.
- Well supported
- A meta-analysis or several independent studies agree, with no serious failure to replicate.
- Supported with caveats
- Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings.
- Plausible
- One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question.
- Speculative
- An idea or argument that hasn't been directly tested.
- Marketing claim
- Something a seller says about their product, without published evidence.
Evidence: Supported with caveatsIn get-to-know-you conversations, people who ask more questions, especially follow-up questions that build on what was just said, tend to be better liked, and people do not expect this.
Why this label
Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings. Across three studies of live conversations, people who asked more questions were better liked; when instructed to ask more, they were seen as more responsive, and responsiveness explained the liking effect. Follow-up questions were the main driver.
What it does not show
- Conversations were among strangers in online or lab settings, often US samples.
- The speed-dating strand of the evidence is disputed (see next claim).
- Instructed question counts are not the same as natural, motivated questions; quality and sincerity were not the focus.
- A 2025 correction to the paper was published (doi 10.1037/pspi0000491, confirmed on Crossref). The S7.1 abstract check reports that it describes an independent audit that confirmed the conclusions; its text was not read here, so this record relies on neither the correction nor the audit.
Who it applies to
A pattern across groups of people, not a statement about any one person.
Sources
- Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., Gino, F. (2017). It doesn’t hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
- Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Huang, K., Minson, J., Gino, F. (2019). It helps to ask: The cumulative benefits of asking follow-up questions, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Evidence: Supported with caveatsListeners can show responsiveness through observable behaviour, and asking follow-up questions makes a listener seem more responsive.
Why this label
Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings. Coded behaviours in dating-couple conversations were linked to the discloser feeling responded to, and in experiments instructed question-asking raised perceived responsiveness among strangers.
What it does not show
- Couples study used dating couples in a lab; question studies used strangers online or in lab.
- Perceived responsiveness was self-reported by conversation partners.
- Behaviours that read as responsive in one setting may not in another or across cultures.
Who it applies to
A pattern across groups of people, not a statement about any one person.
Sources
- MAISEL, N. C., GABLE, S. L., STRACHMAN, A. (2008). Responsive behaviors in good times and in bad, Personal Relationships.
- Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., Gino, F. (2017). It doesn’t hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Evidence: PlausibleWhether asking more questions leads to second-date offers in speed dating is disputed, so a lesson should not promise that question-asking wins a date.
Why this label
One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question. A reanalysis of the speed-dating data found question-asking varied by dyad and, for men, related inversely to second-date offers; the original authors dispute the reanalysis. The two sides disagree on the outcome's meaning (second-date offer versus liking).
What it does not show
- One reanalysis against one reply: no independent replication found.
- Heterosexual speed-dating data from one event; second-date offers are not the same as liking.
- The reply is by the original authors.
Who it applies to
A pattern across groups of people, not a statement about any one person.
Sources
- Kluger, A. N., Malloy, T. E. (2019). Question asking as a dyadic behavior, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
- Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Huang, K., Minson, J., Gino, F. (2019). It helps to ask: The cumulative benefits of asking follow-up questions, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
- Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., Gino, F. (2017). It doesn’t hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Evidence: PlausibleIn initial conversations, taking turns sharing tended to produce more liking than one person sharing while the other only listens.
Why this label
One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question. Pairs of undergraduates in 12-minute interactions liked each other more when disclosure alternated than when one person did all the disclosing. This supports matching your sharing to the other person's pace rather than front-loading.
What it does not show
- Single study sample of undergraduates in a lab; no dating outcome measured.
- Abstract-level information came from a search summary; effect sizes not seen.
- A related 2015 follow-up by the same team exists but was not read.
Who it applies to
A pattern across groups of people, not a statement about any one person.
Sources
- Sprecher, S., Treger, S., Wondra, J. D., Hilaire, N., Wallpe, K. (2013). Taking turns: Reciprocal self-disclosure promotes liking in initial interactions, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.
- Collins, N. L., Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure and liking: A meta-analytic review, Psychological Bulletin.
More practice
The rest of the set, From interview to conversation: three rewrites: 9 items, about 12 minutes. Build a turn from something you notice, something you share and a question. Open the exercise set.
Go further
Outside talks, videos and pages on the topics this lesson cites. Nothing from them loads until you follow a link, and a link is not an endorsement: read the note under each one.
Vanessa Van Edwards: 10 Quirky Questions to Ask On Your Next Date
Example open-ended, curiosity-led questions to ask on a date, relevant to responsiveness and to restarting a conversation that has stalled.
Keep in mind. Light entertainment format; questions are prompts, not a technique that guarantees liking.
Bobby Rio: 5 "Nice Guy" Conversation Mistakes to AVOID
Bobby Rio on conversation habits that undermine engagement, per the title; relevant to engaged versus merely polite behaviour and to conversational re-engagement.
Keep in mind. Commercial dating coach; 'nice guy' framing is contested and the channel also carries manipulation-style content the app must not teach.
Jeffrey Hall (University of Kansas): Research defines more behaviors that reveal romantic attraction
University summary of Hall's study of 51 stranger pairs coding verbal and nonverbal flirting behaviours (leaning forward, nodding, compliments, questions) by self-reported flirting style.
Keep in mind. News release summarising self-reported behaviours; effect sizes and sample details are in the paper.