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Learn · Conversation: Observe, Share, Ask

Observe, Share, Ask

Lesson 1 of 4 in this module · about 7 minutes · Communication

The idea

Observe, Share, Ask is a three-part shape for a turn in conversation: notice something real, share a little of yours, ask one open question. The name is Marni Kinrys’s OSA (Observe, Share, Ask). In free articles on her site, Kinrys describes OSA as a method of observation, sharing and asking a question, and says she created it and has taught it to over 10,000 men 1. The reach is her own figure and has not been verified, and the free pages give no step-by-step breakdown 1. She also says that when men spoke to her as if they already knew her, she responded more openly, and that an observation-based opener got her engaged 2. That is her own account, with no evidence cited, written from the position of a woman approached by male strangers 2. Both are marketing claims, so this course reports them and relies on neither. What follows is this course’s own working-out of the three words, not her teaching, and we describe none of her paid material.

Observe. Say something you noticed in the shared situation, or in what she chose to do or say. Describe it; do not interpret her, and leave her body and looks out of it.

Share. Give one or two sentences of your own: a small true reaction, a small fact. It is not a performance and not a confession.

Ask. Ask one open question that is easy to answer briefly, and that you want answered.

The order can change, and not every turn needs all three. The research speaks to the middle part. Research consistently finds that people who share more personal information tend to be liked more by listeners, and people tend to like those they have shared with 3. That is mostly from lab and student studies from before 1994, and the link varies with the type of disclosure and with who is disclosing 3. One study of 12-minute conversations between undergraduates reports that pairs liked each other more when disclosure alternated than when one person only listened 4. We have only a summary of it, so it is an illustration that suggests matching your sharing to hers, not front-loading yours 4.

Why it matters

A line like “Hi, do you come here often?” gives neither of you much to work with. The shape is this course’s own check against two failures, a string of questions and a monologue. It is not a tested method.

What it looks like

Example

At a farmers’ market, Lucía, 31, holds each tomato to her nose before choosing one. You say, “You’ve smelled every tomato on that table before picking one. I do the same, and I still bring home the wrong one. What are you making with them?” She answers, “Gazpacho. My mother’s recipe, if I can get it right.” Her answer decides what you say next.

The same moment, handled the other way

Counterexample

Same stall. You say, “You look like you love tomatoes. Do you cook?” The first line puts a feeling in her head, and the second is a yes-or-no question. She says, “A little,” and turns back to her basket.

The one thing to remember

The rule

Observe something real, share a little, ask one open question, then stop and listen.

A rehearsed line, a boast, a long story or a question meant to test her is a slip. If she gives a short, polite answer, that is an answer: say “Good luck with it,” and go on. Do not try again with a new line, and do not explain yourself.

Try it now

Item 1 of this lesson’s set: The beagle and the stick.

Open the exercise set

In the real world (optional)

If you like, pick a scene from a film or book where people meet, and write one Observe, one Share and one Ask that would fit it.

What this doesn’t tell you

None of this tests OSA, and nothing here shows that a first line built this way works better than another. The sharing research comes mostly from lab studies with students. It does not say that sharing, or this structure, leads to a date or to romantic interest.

Why do we believe this?

Each numbered mark in the text opens the evidence behind that sentence. Every claim in this course carries one of five labels.

Well supported
A meta-analysis or several independent studies agree, with no serious failure to replicate.
Supported with caveats
Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings.
Plausible
One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question.
Speculative
An idea or argument that hasn't been directly tested.
Marketing claim
Something a seller says about their product, without published evidence.
  1. Marketing claimMarni Kinrys describes OSA as a conversation method of observation, sharing and asking a question, which she says she created and has taught to over 10,000 men.

    Why this label

    Something a seller says about their product, without published evidence. Creator attribution and reach are self-reported. The structure overlaps self-disclosure-questions and responsiveness, which cover reciprocal disclosure and follow-up questions.

    What it does not show

    • Self-reported reach, unverified
    • Step-by-step detail was not on the free pages read

    Who it applies to

    Depends on the setting and the people involved.

    Sources

  2. Marketing claimKinrys says that when men talked to her as if they already knew her she responded more openly and found conversation flowed more easily, and that an observation-based opener got her engaged; she teaches this as part of OSA.

    Why this label

    Something a seller says about their product, without published evidence. Seller's assertion based on her own experience and, she says, on checking with other women; no evidence is cited on the page. Related research: self-disclosure-questions, responsiveness. Familiarity effects are in attraction-foundations.

    What it does not show

    • No evidence cited; personal anecdote and her own account of other women's reactions
    • Written from a female recipient's view for male initiators in a stranger-approach setting

    Who it applies to

    Depends on the setting and the people involved.

    Sources

  3. Well supportedPeople who share more personal information tend to be liked more by listeners, and people tend to like those they have shared with.

    Why this label

    A meta-analysis or several independent studies agree, with no serious failure to replicate. A 1994 meta-analysis found disclosure and liking linked in three directions: intimate disclosers are liked more, people disclose more to those they like, and disclosing to someone increases liking for them. The relation depended on study design and disclosure type.

    What it does not show

    • Based on an abstract-level reading; effect sizes not extracted.
    • Mostly lab and student studies from before 1994; little on dating-specific contexts.
    • Moderated by paradigm, type of disclosure and discloser gender, so the link is not uniform.
    • Correlational and experimental studies are mixed in the pooled effect.

    Who it applies to

    A pattern across groups of people, not a statement about any one person.

    Source

  4. PlausibleIn initial conversations, taking turns sharing tended to produce more liking than one person sharing while the other only listens.

    Why this label

    One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question. Pairs of undergraduates in 12-minute interactions liked each other more when disclosure alternated than when one person did all the disclosing. This supports matching your sharing to the other person's pace rather than front-loading.

    What it does not show

    • Single study sample of undergraduates in a lab; no dating outcome measured.
    • Abstract-level information came from a search summary; effect sizes not seen.
    • A related 2015 follow-up by the same team exists but was not read.

    Who it applies to

    A pattern across groups of people, not a statement about any one person.

    Sources

More practice

The rest of the set, Observe, Share, Ask: three builds: 3 items, about 6 minutes. Build a turn from something you notice, something you share and a question. Open the exercise set.

Go further

Outside talks, videos and pages on the topics this lesson cites. Nothing from them loads until you follow a link, and a link is not an endorsement: read the note under each one.

  • Vanessa Van Edwards: 10 Quirky Questions to Ask On Your Next Date

    Video · leaves this site for youtube.com

    Example open-ended, curiosity-led questions to ask on a date, relevant to responsiveness and to restarting a conversation that has stalled.

    Keep in mind. Light entertainment format; questions are prompts, not a technique that guarantees liking.