Learn · Unit 5: Spot the tactics
Ego, chase and 'secret' desire, checked
Turn advert claims about ego, chase and what people secretly want into observable questions and tests: tell selectivity, a boundary and playful challenge from ego injury, tell teasing from negging, ask what the same behaviour can mean, weigh the evidence a claim about hidden wishes needs, and use inversion to notice what makes mutual attraction harder.
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Lessons
- What would "ego" and "chase" have to mean?Turn an advert's "ego" and "chase" into observable questions: which of self-esteem, pride, status, confidence or validation-seeking is meant, and which of nine "chase" behaviors.
- No pedestal, no put-downTell healthy selectivity, a healthy boundary, playful challenge and ego injury apart, with reciprocity, not power, as the aim.
- Teasing or negging?Tell playful teasing from negging by six marks of teasing and four marks of negging.
- Same behavior, different reasonRecognize that the same silence can come from ordinary space or from a tactic, answer what was actually done (a no is a no, whatever its reason), and never use withholding as a technique.
- "Secretly want": the burden of proofApply nine audit questions to a claim about hidden wishes, sort its evidence into seven kinds, and explain why a fantasy is never a prescription.
- Inversion: what makes mutual attraction harder?Use inversion as a general reasoning method, asking what would make mutual attraction harder, and notice those behaviors in your own conduct.
Exercises that go with these lessons
Go further
Talks, videos and pages by the people whose ideas these lessons discuss, matched to the topics the lessons cite. They are outside this site, and nothing from them loads until you follow a link. A link is not an endorsement; read the note under each one.
Marni Kinrys: "You Think You're Pretty Smooth, Don't You?" She's Flirting. Not Being Mean.
Kinrys's short presents playful teasing and mock challenge as a sign of attraction and advises playing back rather than withdrawing. Relevant to engaged versus merely polite behaviour.
Keep in mind. Anecdotal; teasing can be friendly, polite or unkind, and is not by itself a sign of romantic interest. Check for reciprocity over several turns.
Vanessa Van Edwards: 28 Science-Backed Body Language Signs of Attraction
Catalogue of cues said to signal attraction (leaning in, mirroring, proximity, eye contact), with the useful advice to look for clusters of signals rather than one gesture.
Keep in mind. Mixes research with popular lists; the gendered framing and some involuntary-signal claims (pupils, blushing) are weakly sourced. Cues never authorise touch.
Marni Kinrys: She's Playing With Her Hair. Here's What Her Body Is Actually Saying.
Kinrys's short presents touching hair, clothes or jewellery as an unconscious sign that a woman wants to look attractive to the viewer specifically. Useful as a case study of reading certainty into one ambiguous cue.
Keep in mind. Commercial coach; the video treats a single self-grooming cue as a definite signal, which the evidence on cue inference does not support (nonverbal-inference-limits). Cues are never consent and never authorise touch.
Jeffrey Hall (University of Kansas): Flirting hard to detect, researcher says
University summary of Hall's study of first conversations: partners were far less accurate at detecting flirting than at noticing its absence, and observers were no better.
Keep in mind. News release; student samples and one lab setting.
Vanessa Van Edwards: 10 Quirky Questions to Ask On Your Next Date
Example open-ended, curiosity-led questions to ask on a date, relevant to responsiveness and to restarting a conversation that has stalled.
Keep in mind. Light entertainment format; questions are prompts, not a technique that guarantees liking.