Charm Upgrade

Learn · Physical affection and romantic tension

Fantasy is not instruction

Lesson 1 of 8 in this module · about 7 minutes · Romantic communication

The idea

A fictional scene’s appeal is no guide to real behavior, to consent, or to anyone’s preferences: a real partner has no narrator, so you ask and watch.

In a story, the reader usually knows what both characters think, knows the attraction is mutual, trusts the genre to end well, and risks nothing. A real partner comes with none of that. What you can know about her comes from what she says and does. That is a course principle, not a research finding.

Scholars study romance as a form. One influential definition, Regis’s, centers a courtship plot in which a barrier between hero and heroine must be overcome 1. That is one scholar’s account of how these stories are built, drawn here from descriptions of the books. It says nothing about what readers want or how anyone should behave 1.

Scholars of popular romance have documented sexual coercion as a narrative device in some romances. Others argue that some romances put explicit consent at the center. So the genre does not speak with one voice on consent 2. Both are close readings of a few selected works, so they say nothing about how common either is 2. Critics also read coercive courtship in competing ways. One reading sees a device about knowing another person. Another, in dark romance, sees readers engaging with fantasies of non-consensual sex 3. In this course, a pattern in fiction is never evidence about what real people want, and persistence after a refusal is never presented as romantic or effective.

Fantasy is a separate thing again. In one internet survey of 1,516 adults, only two of 55 fantasies were statistically rare. A review reports that roughly a third to over half of women in studies report fantasies about being forced 4. So fantasies, including of submission or domination, are common in survey samples, and having one is a weak sign of anything unusual 4. They are reports of what people imagine, not of what they want to do or would accept 4. In one sample of 355 undergraduate women, nearly half described their fantasies of being forced as both erotic and aversive. Such a fantasy does not show that the person wants it 5. These studies sampled women only because that is who was studied. A fantasy, hers or yours, is never a request.

Why it matters

In one sample of 1,040 adults, interest in an uncommon sexual practice predicted having done it, but interest and experience matched only about half the time on average. Neither a fantasy nor a past experience reliably shows what a person wants now 6. If you treat a scene’s appeal as her preference, you stop asking, and asking is the only way to learn it.

What it looks like

Example

After a library reading group, Nadia, 34, says she loved a scene in which two characters kiss in a stairwell, because each had hoped for it for weeks. You say, “It works because we’re told what both of them want.” She says, “Yes. It would feel very different if one of them had to guess.” You agree, and ask what she is reading next.

The same moment, handled the other way

Counterexample

Same group. You hear that she loved the scene and decide she would welcome the same from you, so you plan a surprise for the end of the evening.

Her taste in fiction told you about the scene, and she has said nothing about what she wants with you.

The one thing to remember

The rule

Take a scene’s appeal as a story’s, never as a guide to her; ask, and let her words decide.

What appeals on the page, what a person imagines, what she wants with you now and what she has agreed to are four different things. In this course, only the last counts for physical contact, and it means her clear words, or contact she starts herself, which covers that contact and that moment only. A “not yet” or a “no” ends it. A fantasy, hers or yours, is never a request.

Try it now

Item 1 of this lesson’s set: The rooftop kiss.

Open the exercise set

In the real world (optional)

If you like, think of a film or book scene you enjoyed and note one thing the audience knew that the characters could not know.

What this doesn’t tell you

The scholarship here is close reading of selected works. It says nothing about how often romance depicts coercion or how readers respond, and the dark-romance reading comes from one article seen only as an abstract. The fantasy findings are self-reports from surveys, not measures of what any person wants. Nothing here says what any one person likes. Only she can.

Why do we believe this?

Each numbered mark in the text opens the evidence behind that sentence. Every claim in this course carries one of five labels.

Well supported
A meta-analysis or several independent studies agree, with no serious failure to replicate.
Supported with caveats
Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings.
Plausible
One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question.
Speculative
An idea or argument that hasn't been directly tested.
Marketing claim
Something a seller says about their product, without published evidence.
  1. PlausibleRomance scholarship such as Regis's defines the genre by its courtship plot, in which a barrier between hero and heroine must be overcome, and treats the romance story as a distinct form worth study.

    Why this label

    One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question. Regis's definition is widely cited in the field. A lesson may describe it as one scholar's account of the genre's structure; Roach's book similarly treats romance stories as a form that reveals ideas about love and desire.

    What it does not show

    • Based on publisher descriptions of Regis (2003) and Roach (2016); the specific plot elements were not confirmed from the books.
    • One scholar's definition; other definitions exist and the genre includes many subgenres.
    • Describes fiction, not behaviour or reader wishes.

    Who it applies to

    Depends on the setting and the people involved.

    Sources

    • Regis, P. (2003). A Natural History of the Romance Novel, University of Pennsylvania Press.
    • Roach, C. M. (2016). Happily Ever After: The Romance Story in Popular Culture, Indiana University Press.
  2. PlausibleScholars of popular romance have documented sexual coercion as a narrative device in some romances and, separately, argued that other romances put explicit consent at the centre, so the genre does not speak with one voice on consent.

    Why this label

    One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question. One article classifies coercive scenes into three kinds and reads them as narrative devices. A more recent article reads a popular fantasy-romance series as centring consent and communication.

    What it does not show

    • Both are interpretive close readings of selected works (six novels; one author's series), not samples of the genre.
    • No prevalence, era or subgenre trend is established here; a trend claim needs systematic sampling.
    • Shows how critics read the books, not how readers respond or what any reader wants.

    Who it applies to

    Depends on the setting and the people involved.

    Sources

  3. PlausiblePopular-romance scholars recognise coercive courtship, including 'forced seduction', as a convention in some romances and read it in competing ways: as a narrative device about knowing another person (Toscano, 2012), or, in dark romance, as readers' engagement with fantasies of non-consensual sex (Deane, 2026).

    Why this label

    One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question. Narrowed from the original wording. The sources show that critics identify and interpret coercive courtship plots; they do not establish how common it is for a hero to keep pursuing after a refusal across subgenres and eras, or that stories frame it as devotion. Overlaps with c2 and adds the dark-romance reading.

    What it does not show

    • Interpretive scholarship on selected works (Toscano: six novels); neither source is a prevalence study, so no claim about how often, or in which subgenres and eras, is made.
    • The original wording (persistence after reluctance framed as devotion, across subgenres and eras) is unsupported by any source found; it would need a systematic content analysis of titles by decade, coded by two raters.
    • Deane's article was seen as an abstract only.
    • A pattern in fiction is never evidence about what real people want, and lessons must not present persistence after a refusal as romantic or effective.

    Who it applies to

    Depends on the setting and the people involved.

    Sources

  4. Supported with caveatsSexual fantasies that many people assume are unusual, including fantasies of submission or domination, are common in survey samples of adults.

    Why this label

    Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings. A 1,516-person survey found only two of 55 fantasies statistically rare, and a review reports that roughly a third to over half of women in studies report fantasies about being forced, so presence of a fantasy is a weak sign of anything unusual.

    What it does not show

    • Joyal et al. is one internet survey of adults; Critelli et al. reviews studies of forced-sex fantasy in women only, and the abstract does not say why the range is wide (31-57%).
    • Shows what people report fantasising about, not what they want to do or would accept.
    • Fantasy prevalence differs by gender and by how it is measured.

    Who it applies to

    A pattern across groups of people, not a statement about any one person.

    Sources

  5. PlausibleWomen's fantasies of being forced vary from wholly erotic to wholly aversive, so having such a fantasy does not show that the person simply wants it.

    Why this label

    One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question. In one student sample, nearly half described their forced-sex fantasies as both erotic and aversive. The abstracts do not report whether anyone wanted the event in real life, and the review calls these fantasies paradoxical, so claims about real-life wishes need separate evidence.

    What it does not show

    • One sample of 355 undergraduate women.
    • Measures the character of the fantasy, not preferences for real events.
    • The lesson-level inference that fantasy is not a request is not directly tested by either study.

    Who it applies to

    A pattern across groups of people, not a statement about any one person.

    Sources

  6. PlausibleIn a general-population sample of adults, interest in a paraphilic practice predicted having done it, but the average rate of having both interest and experience was only about 50%, so neither a fantasy nor a past experience reliably shows what a person wants now.

    Why this label

    One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question. Concordance was partial, and it varied by gender and by whether the practice is legal, which means a person's interest and their behaviour have to be asked about separately.

    What it does not show

    • One sample of 1,040 adults recruited from the general population; paraphilic-interest categories, not fantasy content generally.
    • 'Interest' is not the same as fantasy, and experience does not show current consent or preference.
    • Secondary analysis; self-report. The inference about what a person wants now is the lesson-level reading, not a finding.

    Who it applies to

    A pattern across groups of people, not a statement about any one person.

    Source

More practice

The rest of the set, Fantasy is not instruction: three story patterns: 3 items, about 9 minutes. Read an invented story pattern, then answer six questions about what the page lets the reader know and what a real person would need. Open the exercise set.