Assumed welcome
Lesson 1 of 4 in this module · about 7 minutes · Emotional skills
The idea
Assumed welcome means stating a small plan with an open door instead of asking permission for each ordinary choice, and staying responsive to her answer. In a free email on his site, Stevan Terzic describes “assumed welcome” as making decisions on your own judgment while staying responsive to the other person’s actual needs, instead of asking permission for everything 1. The label here is Speculative: it is a coach’s heuristic, from a single email, and it has not been tested 1. His worked example is a man making concrete plans for a girlfriend he already has, not someone meeting a person for the first time 1. We teach it as a practice principle of this course, not as a research finding, with limits that are ours.
Compare two ways to say the same thing. Permission-seeking: “Would it be okay if I came with you to the nursery? Only if you’re not busy. I don’t want to impose.” Assumed welcome: “I’m walking over to the nursery after this. You’re welcome to come along.” The second says what you will do and leaves her free to join, change the plan or say no.
Staying responsive is the half that carries the weight. If she joins, you walk over together and talk. If she adjusts the plan, you can say “I’m happy to walk it,” or “Then I’ll see you at the next workday,” and you don’t defend your plan. If she declines, you say “Sounds good. Enjoy the walk.” The test is whether she could change the plan at no cost to her. If she would have to argue, explain or comfort you to change it, you are pushing.
It applies to small, reversible choices: where to sit, the next topic, where you are heading and who is welcome, a preference. It does not apply to touch of any kind. A hand on her back to steer her is touch, and no cue is permission to touch. Romantic steps still need her words. It does not apply to a plan she has turned down, which you do not propose again in new words. It does not apply to silence: silence and going along are not agreement, so if you are unsure, check in with “Is that all right?” And it never means staying close when her answers shorten or she turns toward other people.
Why it matters
A stack of permission requests hands her small jobs, and a plan with an open door makes her answer easy to give. This is a practice principle of this course, not a research finding.
What it looks like
Example
At a community garden workday, Mira, 36, mentions she needs seedlings from the nursery near the station. You say, “I’m walking over to the nursery after this. You’re welcome to come along.” She says, “I think I’ll go by myself. I want the quiet.” You say, “Sounds good. Enjoy the walk.” The plan is gone, and you don’t offer another version of it.
The same moment, handled the other way
Counterexample
Same workday. You ask, “Would it be okay if, only if you wanted, and I don’t want to impose, I came along, unless you’d rather go alone?” That is four permissions in one sentence, and each one hands her a small job before she can answer.
The one thing to remember
The rule
State your plan with an open door, then accept whatever she answers without defending it.
In this course, assumed welcome applies to small, reversible choices in conversation and in plans, never to touch, and never to anything she has said no to. Asking is never wrong: if you truly don’t know what she would like, ask. The habit to drop is asking about things that need no permission.
Try it now
Item 1 of this lesson’s set: After the food-bank shift.
In the real world (optional)
If you like, notice when you phrase something small as a request for permission, and ask yourself how it would sound as a plan with an open door. Keep it in your head.
What this doesn’t tell you
Nothing here shows that assumed welcome makes anyone more attractive or more comfortable. It has not been tested, and the one example behind it comes from an existing relationship 1. The case for the habit is practical, and whether it suits a given person is something you find out by watching what she does.
Why do we believe this?
Each numbered mark in the text opens the evidence behind that sentence. Every claim in this course carries one of five labels.
- Well supported
- A meta-analysis or several independent studies agree, with no serious failure to replicate.
- Supported with caveats
- Several studies agree, with stated limits such as student samples or lab settings.
- Plausible
- One study, or indirect evidence from a nearby question.
- Speculative
- An idea or argument that hasn't been directly tested.
- Marketing claim
- Something a seller says about their product, without published evidence.
Evidence: SpeculativeTerzic's free email describes 'assumed welcome' as making decisions on your own judgement while staying responsive to the partner's actual needs, rather than asking permission for everything.
Why this label
An idea or argument that hasn't been directly tested. Coaching heuristic, not tested. Responsiveness and consent-communication research is the relevant check: attentiveness to the other person's actual response is the safeguard. The example concerns an established girlfriend, not early dating.
What it does not show
- Single email
- Example is from an existing relationship
- Silence or ambiguity is never consent
Who it applies to
Depends on the setting and the people involved.
Source
- Terzic, S. (undated). Email 15 - Stevan Terzic, stevanterzic.com.
More practice
The rest of the set, Assumed welcome: three plans: 3 items, about 5 minutes. Choose or order the ways of saying a line that fit what you mean. Open the exercise set.